I’m done with college. I’m also back to my hometown. As I woke up late, after an unplanned ten-hour sleep, there were two things going on in my head. First, a plethora of guilt. Second, the question that the guilt kept asking me, “what now?”
“What now?” is my favourite question. It always has been. I’m fond of jumping from thing to thing, topic to topic, and so on, so forth. More often than not though, the question comes out of boredom. This time, it came out of guilt.
I changed in the last couple of years. I started to live in the moment. As clichéd as that sounds, my definition of living in the moment is slightly different. While I’m not jumping off aeroplanes screaming the dreaded four-letter abbreviation, I’m trying to learn things and build parts of myself I wouldn’t otherwise even think of. It’s about using the moment to be better.
My gap year is probably going to be the most anticlimactic one on the outside because what is a gap year that isn’t centred around travel, right? I mean, our generation turned soul-searching into a fad. We’re all gorgeous snowflakes, that’s for sure.
Sarcasm aside, the last couple of weeks have been extremely overwhelming emotionally. My dog passed away in early May. I’ve dealt with how that feels lately. As the dust has started to settle, all I can say is, awful is a short word.
All of this happened at a time where I would’ve wanted myself to be at a mental peak so that I would’ve translated all of that into best utilising the time that I have every day now that college is over. However, that is usually how life plays out.
All of that along with the entire transition of moving back into my home permanently left little time for the blog or anything that I do for that matter. The shift hasn’t been smooth. I realised things change when you stay away from home and while most of it doesn’t matter when you’re back for a vacation or a weekend, it becomes a problem once you’re back for good.
Up until this morning, I was guilty of allowing myself a week of no activity. It was only after I counted the days that I realised, it is okay to lose six or seven days if the moment demands it. Your productivity, routine and other buzzwords that sell articles can wait. That is what I’ve learned recently. You have to let life happen and then try to happen to it. That cycle seldom goes the other way round.
Most people I know ask me what my plan is and my answer is simple, I don’t have one. Goals and plans can make you focused. However, for some of us, that leads to a tunnel-visioning of everything where all you can see is your goal or plan, so you leave everything else for good. That isn’t a smart thing to do.
So, what now? I’ll take life as life happens, I’ll learn and do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I’ll feel what life wants me to feel. In time, I won’t need a gap for living life as I want to, I’ll just be doing it anyway. I’ll let this year be the roadmap to the life I want and who I want to be.