I’ve been away. I haven’t written on the blog in three weeks, and I just missed this Tuesday as well. In my defence, however weak it looks, I had my college valediction.
After coming back home, I took a shower, and I am here writing because even if Tuesday is over, I had to get a post out before I go to bed.
I had different ideas for this post given the small hiatus I’ve taken for it. However, I’ll let this post be the transition to what comes next for this blog.
Let’s go back to the first thing I said when I began this post. I’ve been away, and when I say that, I’m not sure if I mean it in one context.
Last year, as I was trying to get myself out a slump, I used the blog. While I did get out of it, The Polymath became a self-help blog and got caught up in the tropes of the niche.
I pride myself on the volatility of this blog. It has no niche because it is where I share my life and I don’t see why my life should fall into one category. However, the excess of anything is harmful. The same goes for self-help.
It is fine as long as I write about something, trying to help others who might have similar issues. Otherwise, I don’t see why someone might be interested in my reasonably normal life.
However, if I post for the sake of posting on Tuesdays when I have nothing to share, I don’t see myself posting as honestly as I would want to.
In fact, the self-help didn’t take over my blog. I started having experiences wherein I’d ultimately get some shorthand wisdom out of it. This uncalled-for change was overwhelming.
A good friend pointed out recently that my imposter syndrome for how my life changed after my stickers got into the Steam Workshop back in 2015 was to do everything in the right way.
I couldn’t disagree because I knew it deep inside. I’ve created a life where every habit or lifestyle choice I have goes through an evaluation by the inner critic. While this has given me a life where everything I do holds meaning, there are activities I think I do because it is my way to justify the money I earn; meaningful or not.
I think that has started affecting the way I make decisions as well; the inner critic is not so inner anymore.
I can see that this post looks all over the place because this is how I want my blog to be. I overheard a few peers talking about me the other day, and I watched them list the good parts of my life.
They believed I had a perfectly balanced life. I thought it was bullshit because while I share all the good stuff, I think I might have forgotten to share the times where I sit on the floor for hours because I’m anxious about everything.
The uncertainty of life has been overwhelming. The possibilities of life have been overwhelming. The idea that you could do anything given the lack of urgency for certain things in life creates a paralysis.
When everything is possible making a choice is impossible. As I wrote last year, when you make a decision, you give up on all others, and I have been away from reality to the point that I’ve been afraid to make that choice.
I declared a gap year when I was quite confident that I didn’t know what to do after college ends. As the last six months passed, I started to get a vague idea of the options I have.
At this point, the gap year is just one option out of many. I’ve been anxious about that as well.
Perhaps, I’m in a position in life where I can’t say what happens for sure. However, as I become open to the possibilities, I’ll have to leave behind baseless decisions and lifestyle changes I don’t want.
In programming, we call this refactoring. It is the idea of changing the code, optimizing it, making it cleaner, changing how it works without affecting how the result appears. So, let’s call it a refactoring of life.
Let’s begin it with the blog. Screw Tuesdays; screw routine. I’m not a professional blogger. I don’t know what that means, and I’m not sure if I ever will.
The most I can do is share my understanding of things at the moment. That is precisely why the category is called Helping Hand. I’ll share my side of it, and I expect you, the reader, share yours. Maybe we help each other.
If it isn’t clear already, I can’t save your life. I’m only twenty-one-years-old; I’ve just begun living mine.