Learning through experience and error

Understanding Myself 3 – Realisations, Amends And Hope

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Understanding Myself 3 - Realisations, Amends And Hope

The past few months have been crazy. Crazy as in I have no idea what the hell is happening. It seems the perfect life each year has to end after March. It was all pretty great till a few months back and now its still good but its more random and the situations are getting tougher. The time is perfect for all this though. Careers, realisations and shattered realities are on the rise. Not just with me but all my friends too. We’re all part of the same bowl of cereal as of now. Some have come to realise that they are total jerks. Some realised they have wasted a lot of time. Some have realised that they didn’t prioritise things. The last some have realised that they need to focus. What have I realised then? All of the above. That’s right, it’s all of the above that I’m realising.

I’ve never understood myself too well anyway. I mean I have so many people around me who care but I keep throwing them away ultimately feeling lonely. I have never had too many close friends but since I got those whom I can call friends, I’ve only come to cherish them a while later. I have made brilliant mistakes and I seek amends now, not sure how I’ll exactly do that but a few things that have become like a signature to my personality which seem a bit too rude and unacceptable for the society.

I act like I know everything. I know I do. But since a month or so, I’ve tried to change that. I’ve tried talking to people and not Googling stuff as they say it rather ask them directly because that’s the correct way. Earlier, such as, if someone mentioned a book or a movie I’d quickly do a Google Search and then act as if I knew about it all along. This was good in the start, it felt as if I knew too much. I gained a lot of knowledge on trivial topics as well but now I realise that in that quest for ultimate knowledge I was losing people and conversations. If I would ask the person directly about the book or movie or anything else they would feel better than the disappointment of he knew it already. Now, this never happened too much so if you are reading this now don’t think I wasn’t aware of everything I claimed to know, this was limited to maybe, say, 10-15% of things and conversations but it is a big number nonetheless. So, I’ve started changing and now I ask people. Knowing it all isn’t the key, accepting that you didn’t know a thing no matter how unaware you look is.

This was the first realisation out of the many and I am making amends and it has all been going pretty well as of now, but I seek improvement and more of it each day.

The second was a little personal where I didn’t acknowledge when I had stopped being happy around someone. It was unjust to the person as well as myself. It was wrong. To tell someone you are happy with them without knowing that deep inside is not a very good thing, you know? It can ruin things and the same happened in my situation. Everything ultimately came to an end. If you realise you cheated just before crossing the finishing line, it isn’t much of a realisation but is still a large step than not realising it at all. So there’s that. I hope this doesn’t happen in the future and I’ll try my best not too.

Realisation three was a little mistake me and my friends have done altogether since we became associated. We have this belief of being the prime ones, you know, all egoistic dogs in one group. We trolled more and befriended less. Throwing sarcasm everywhere on everyone. Nobody could talk to us, it was suicidal for them. They’d prefer dying instead. This was the situation up until a few days ago when we realised this issue and I don’t know about them and I don’t compel them to anything but I have decided to change and change for the good.

The last realisation is the realisation of priorities and prioritising things in my life. I have been stupid with priorities that’s only what I’ll say here. I really am trying to be focused in the right way now. I hope it all stays good, all I need is a little push from lady luck, maybe.

This was understanding myself 3. Over the years, I’ve come to realise that each year I become a little more aware of the idiot inside. I hope I continue this quest for this is the only solution I may end up with a lot many people in my life.

About the author

Deepansh Khurana

I write code by day and prose by night. I'd say I love coffee but don't we all? I find stories, people and experiences. I blog about them.

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About The Content

There are three kinds of blog posts here as of mid-2019 – The Journal, The Words and The Nudge.

The Journals are thoughts, lessons, events that unfold in my life word-for-word and as barebones as I can put them out there.

The Words are creative pieces, narratives, short-stories that take from my life but did not happen word-for-word.

The Nudge has self-help articles that try to be less proud and self-righteous. They end in the nudge, which is a shareable takeaway that summarises the entire idea.

You can read more about this change here and here.

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Deepansh Khurana

I write code by day and prose by night. I'd say I love coffee but don't we all? I find stories, people and experiences. I blog about them.

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